Column for December 28th, 2006

If Troy ruled the world

I often think about things that I would change if I could. I run across many situations where I think to myself, "Self, if you ran that [insert noun such as business, town, state, etc.] you would certainly change a few things". I decided to share a dozen of my list items that shall become effective the moment I rule the world.

1. Sporks, those stupid fork/spoon plastic ware utensils that you get at select fast food restaurants are hereby banned. Give me a fork or a spoon, not a useless hybrid.

2. Basic classes in speech and enunciation shall be taught at all high schools, maybe earlier. Few things are more annoying than listening to some low wage earner fresh out of high school that has no command of the English language, much less the ability to enunciate words.

3. English shall be the official language of the nation, state, and local governments. Taxpayers should not be burdened with the expense or annoyance of multi-lingual publications or offering services in anything other than English.

4. The only tax increase that I totally support is to raise the gas tax by 1/10th of a penny to eliminate the cursed 9/10th of a penny pricing. That is just plain deceptive advertising. $2.299, in all practice, is $2.30. It shall be illegal to charge less than a full penny for anything. We do not mint anything smaller than a penny, so it is not possible to charge less than a penny for anything.

5. The United States Postal Service shall cease being a monopoly in the mail delivery business. The USPS has the ability to track all packages, just as its competitors, but does not do so without paying extra. Priority Mail or Parcel Post shall automatically include tracking services. I have a package that I mailed for Mothers' Day via Priority Mail in 2003. To this day, my mother and I would love to find out where it is. If the USPS can not compete, it shall be privatized rather than stay a government run and protected monopoly.

6. Election ballot access laws shall be changed to allow easier access to all viable and legitimate political parties. The prevention of a wider field of candidates severely limits the choices of potentially great candidates. Remember that Abraham Lincoln (a Republican) was a third party candidate once, too.

7. Non-partisan elections shall be abolished. The notion of elections being non-partisan is a fallacy.

8. Selma shall change its town charter to elect only its mayor at-large. All other town council members shall be elected by ward or district. We shall increase the number of council members from four to six at a minimum. Two council members from each of three wards plus the mayor would offer better representation of the town and give us a better chance of actually having a quorum at meetings.

9. The 16th and 17th Amendments to the US Constitution shall be abolished. Maybe the 19th. The 24th Amendment will be amended. Those citizens that receive long term public assistance for income, food, and housing shall not be allowed to vote. It is a conflict of interest to vote in any election where your personal benefit would come above that of the rest of your fellow citizens. Locally, only property tax paying citizens shall be allowed to vote in towns, counties, or states that use property taxation as a primary means of revenue. Only those who show proper identification and proof of citizenship shall be allowed to vote.

10. A secure, hard to violate wall of concrete, razor wire, and electronic detection shall immediately be erected at our nation's southern border. A moat filled with piranha and barracuda type fish may also be dug for good measure.

11. U.S. highways henceforth shall be built like the German Autobahn with similar quality, access points, slopes, curves, and speed limits.

12. The LaPlante's Rants column shall be required to be placed on the front page of "The Selma News". We all know that it is the first thing you want to read and the main reason anyone wants to get this newspaper. Just kidding, Rick Stewart. But still, it is not a bad idea.