Column for Oct. 1, 2009

As I write this, I am sitting in front of my laptop computer in a motel room in Greenville, South Carolina. The motel, by the way, is a very nice, very well run motel with no interior corridors. The motel is of a national brand and is one we do not yet have in Johnston County. Selma Town Council take note.

This however, is not the subject of my column. This week's column is actually fairly solemn topic and a plea. I am in the Greenville area for my brother's funeral. He died earlier in the week. I found out on Wednesday that he had died on a Monday afternoon. On Thursday, I packed up my wife and baby, and headed out of town. I had made contact with one of my other brothers and we chatted about the arrangements, or lack thereof. He lives in Upstate New York. I have two other brothers who live in New Hampshire.

Today, my wife and I spent the afternoon at my brother's house helping his son, a friend of the family, his step father, and his first ex wife (he had three ex wives, by the way) go through boxes upon boxes of stuff, searching for some sort of paperwork indicative of a last will and testament, insurance information, or anything helpful for the disposition of his property, for a way to pay for the funeral, his wishes for his remains, etc. It was not a fun day.

My brother, Ed, was apparently a pack rat. He had a garage he could not use because it was full of boxes. His family had already been searching the house for two days by the time we arrived. They had found some 401(k) statements, some old pay stubs, old bills, and the like. As I helped paw through boxes of stuff, I found more of the same.

As of this evening, there is no sign of a will. One of his sons (my nephew) said that he remembered my brother saying once that he wanted to be cremated. His mother is a practicing Jehovah's Witness, which Ed and his two older brothers resisted since their youth. She said that Ed would have wanted a Kingdom Hall memorial service. Knowing Ed, all of us brothers knew better. His mother was married to my father and they divorced in the early 1960's. Technically, that makes my three older brothers my half brothers, but I consider them brothers nonetheless.

As with many families, there are rumors, accusations, and emotions towards different family members. Since my family has always been fairly aloof towards one another, I have nephews I have not seen in many years, and in some cases, decades. Since Ed's mother remarried twice since divorcing my father (her religious conversion was one major reason for the split), there are a bunch of people whom I have either met seldom or never met at all. Since my older three brothers have a different mother than I and my younger brother do, we have not been considered close family. Oddly enough, his mother and both of my older brothers all consider that I was the one closest to Ed. He was nine years older than me. At age 50, it is possible that he had a major heart attack. The body still has not been released by the coroner's office.

Over the past year to two years, Ed and I had been working on redeeming the time and building our relationship anew. We had been planning a visit down here sometime soon. Now I am visiting, seeing a lot of people I don't really know, and helping frantic people attempt to find what my brother may (or may not) have planned for his heirs and his wishes.

Why do I write all this? I want to encourage you, whomever you are, to make some plans for the end of your life. I made sure that I did so. The day I got married, just after we said our "I do's", this same brother was a witness on my newly signed last will and testament, living will, and health care power of attorney. Yet, it is possible that he did not do the same for himself and his four children. Hopefully, something will be found, but it does not look promising at this point. I implore you to make plans, save your family the heart ache and work, and make your wishes known in advance. It is not hard, it is not expensive, and your family will thank you for it.